my heart....
Ok K5...I have been debating writing this post for a very long time. But, I have decided that the right thing for me to do is to be completely real with all of you and maybe a little vulnerable...which isn't something that comes easily to me. So, please bear with me and any ramblings that may occur in this post. Here it goes...
My heart is hurting. I am at a place in my life where I don't know the next step and I am scared out of my mind. And I know that I should just give it all to God and trust him, I really do. But I'm not so sure that I know how to do that anymore, or if I ever really did. I want so badly to do what God wants me to do, but I am having trouble knowing what is coming from God and what is coming from my head. I am in such a confused and troubled state that I don't know which way is up. There have been some things that have happened recently with friends and boys that leave me feeling so hopeless. All I want to do is run away; but is that what I should do? And I am not usually an emotional person, I don't cry...like at all. But lately everything has been bringing tears to my eyes. I feel like I cry everyday and most days I don't even know why. I just start thinking about everything and I guess I get overwhelmed or something and I just don't know how to deal with it. And I am terrible at letting others in...my best friend is always saying that she wishes she knew what was going on in my head. She wants to be there for me, but there is something in me that is shutting down to others. I don't, I can't let others in and it's not only affecting me, but it's affecting all of my relationships.
And home....well, I don't really know what to say about home. It's terrible and it's only getting worse. Teresa (my step-mom) is terrible to me. She is nasty and mean and her words and actions hurt. I don't understand what I do that makes her hate me so much and neither does my dad. My dad asked me to try to get along with her and talk to her when I come home, let her know what's going on in my life. But when I try she either yells at me or completely ignores me. And then she complains to my dad that I never talk to her. I don't understand and I don't know what else I can do. I've tried and tried but nothing works. Their marriage is heading downhill and fast. I recently went to my dad in tears and told him that I didn't know how long I could live under such tensions because it's honestly destroying me, and he told me that he didn't want me to get hurt anymore and that I don't have to put in any effort now. He always tells me that I have been through enough and that I don't deserve to be treated the way that she treats me. And it kills me to see how defeated my dad is in this whole thing too. I just feel so lost and hopeless and again, I want to run.
And then there is the pressure to decide what I want to do in September. Dad wants me to have my mind made up by the end of next week and I don't even know where to start. I have been accepted to different universities and colleges here in Ontario...but is this where I want to be? Who knows!?! I sure as heck don't!
I just feel like I am being whittled away to nothing and I can't do anything about it. On the up side though, I am going to BCrest on Sunday and I can't wait to get away for a little bit and to see you guys who are there!
I guess this whole post was really just asking for prayer...a lot of prayer. Please, pray hard for me and my family and my friends. Pray hard for my life's direction. Pray hard for my heart to be mended. Pray hard for the lies that Satan feeds to me be rejected. Pray for the strength of the Lord to be my strength in this battle that I am constantly fighting. Please pray...
My heart is hurting. I am at a place in my life where I don't know the next step and I am scared out of my mind. And I know that I should just give it all to God and trust him, I really do. But I'm not so sure that I know how to do that anymore, or if I ever really did. I want so badly to do what God wants me to do, but I am having trouble knowing what is coming from God and what is coming from my head. I am in such a confused and troubled state that I don't know which way is up. There have been some things that have happened recently with friends and boys that leave me feeling so hopeless. All I want to do is run away; but is that what I should do? And I am not usually an emotional person, I don't cry...like at all. But lately everything has been bringing tears to my eyes. I feel like I cry everyday and most days I don't even know why. I just start thinking about everything and I guess I get overwhelmed or something and I just don't know how to deal with it. And I am terrible at letting others in...my best friend is always saying that she wishes she knew what was going on in my head. She wants to be there for me, but there is something in me that is shutting down to others. I don't, I can't let others in and it's not only affecting me, but it's affecting all of my relationships.
And home....well, I don't really know what to say about home. It's terrible and it's only getting worse. Teresa (my step-mom) is terrible to me. She is nasty and mean and her words and actions hurt. I don't understand what I do that makes her hate me so much and neither does my dad. My dad asked me to try to get along with her and talk to her when I come home, let her know what's going on in my life. But when I try she either yells at me or completely ignores me. And then she complains to my dad that I never talk to her. I don't understand and I don't know what else I can do. I've tried and tried but nothing works. Their marriage is heading downhill and fast. I recently went to my dad in tears and told him that I didn't know how long I could live under such tensions because it's honestly destroying me, and he told me that he didn't want me to get hurt anymore and that I don't have to put in any effort now. He always tells me that I have been through enough and that I don't deserve to be treated the way that she treats me. And it kills me to see how defeated my dad is in this whole thing too. I just feel so lost and hopeless and again, I want to run.
And then there is the pressure to decide what I want to do in September. Dad wants me to have my mind made up by the end of next week and I don't even know where to start. I have been accepted to different universities and colleges here in Ontario...but is this where I want to be? Who knows!?! I sure as heck don't!
I just feel like I am being whittled away to nothing and I can't do anything about it. On the up side though, I am going to BCrest on Sunday and I can't wait to get away for a little bit and to see you guys who are there!
I guess this whole post was really just asking for prayer...a lot of prayer. Please, pray hard for me and my family and my friends. Pray hard for my life's direction. Pray hard for my heart to be mended. Pray hard for the lies that Satan feeds to me be rejected. Pray for the strength of the Lord to be my strength in this battle that I am constantly fighting. Please pray...
posted by Jessica! at 5:20 PM
5 Comments:
Hey Jessica! Thank you. I had no idea what your world is like right now, and I will pray. Leaving isn't necessarily running. Sometimes you need to step back, gain a new perspective so that life makes sense again. I just read about Elijah and the times he went off into the wilderness, where God sent ravens and angels to care for him, and spoke to him not in wind and fire and earthquake, but in a "still, small voice." One translation says, "a thin silence." And there God showed him what was what and where to go next. Don't be afraid to go, because he goes with you. Praying for you...
sure Jess. I will pray.
may the peace of Jesus Christ be with you.
Jess! Girl thank you for sharing with us where you are at. I will try calling you sometime over the break, I love you so very much, and will be praying for you!!
Jess, as your friend, I am honored and humbled to share in your pain and frustration. Of course I would much rather be rejoicing with you, which will happen in time when you're on the other side of this trial! In the meantime, be trusting, Jess. I will be praying.
Would love to be praying for you, Jess. May God bring peace and comfort in surprising places and rich joy to mend such sorrow. James says that "perseverance must finish it's work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." Peace doesn't always come before our decisions, sometimes it follows them.
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